Dealing with the death of a loved one – Feelings Unraveled

The sudden demise of my dear brother last month left us devastated and numb. There was no time for us to get mentally prepared. It was so sudden and untimely, leaving us shocked and shaken.

There are so many unanswered questions. What have we done to deserve this? Why did it happen? Why did God allow it?  And so on. At times, our faith weakened. We are desperately searching for answers that may take a long time to come.

All we do now is cling tight to our family for emotional support and love. With each passing day, the realization that he is not coming back, leaves a void in our heart and mind. It gets more unsettling as days go by leaving us to deal with hard stuff.

Feelings ….

Raw Emotions

It will be an understatement when I say we feel let down, depressed, frustrated and sad at our loss. Our emotions are so raw, that it takes several forms in a day. Sometimes, it makes me even angry when I think that we do not deserve this. In fact, so many emotions snap through my mind, when I talk to my sister-in-law, knowing not how to pacify her.  Looking at my aged parents, I feel burdened, knowing not how they will face every new day, the rest of their lives.

Sweet Memories

When my emotions press me down, I browse through my phone looking at all the pictures of my brother. His sweet smile brings tears to my eyes and once again new emotions start flooding. However, I consciously decide to scan only beautiful and happy memories of my brother from our childhood, youth and adult life.

Realizations

Death of a loved one changes one forever. It brings to surface realizations that have been buried deep in one’s mind.  I realize that my call can happen at any moment, and I need to come straight before our Lord. Seeking forgiveness before God and people, leading a blameless life and doing good to those around me take priority. Ego, vengeance, hostility, jealousy, pride or hatred no longer matters. Death of a loved one makes me to wake up each morning with a grateful heart and seek God’s favor and mercy every moment of my life till it lasts.

Love Tightened

I get the powerful feeling of overflowing love towards the affected, loved ones. Consequently, I no longer take them for granted. There is this urgency to show my love, to protect my family and to be with them, no matter what.

One day at a time

There is a compulsion to take one day at a time. Planning for our future, vacation or even the very next day scares me. I know not what the next moment holds for me. I tend to tread the future with caution and care, all the time focusing on not hurting anyone knowingly and seeking God’s mercy every minute I breathe.

It will take a long time to get over the loss of a loved one. It may be a hard, rough path. There may be bumps and valleys. Yet, with God’s leading and compassion, we will face it, though it hurts.

Love you my dear brother. You stay in our hearts.